Coming Back

I'm going to start writing here again. I've decided that tonight. There's been some discipline-related stuff with Dave that I'd like to talk about and I don't feel comfortable using LJ for it, so I'm going to have to start writing here. And probably X-posting to The Punishment Book, which I miss being a part of.

Not tonight though. Right now, it's bed time. And a prayer that tomorrow's "weigh in" (which involved getting naked and standing on the scale in my bathroom before my shower) will reveal a loss -- though it's basically undeserved (and that will be discussed soon, too).

Fighting Sleep

I should be in bed. A few minutes ago I told Dawny I was logging off to go to sleep. But, the lights are all still on and I'm sitting here ... I don't know why. I just read the newsgroup for a few. I find myself skimming through lately only reading the posts of my favorites, and that's okay for now. Worrying about Vegas in April. I don't want SL to suffer because people boycott Nevada and won't go to their party. That would suck. It hit me today when I was taking the dog out that NV went Red and that could be a problem for those two. I should email Steve and ask him about it ... I should also check out the members site but I haven't been there for a long time. When it gets closer to party time I'll start doing some networking.

Okay so ... why I freaked out on Dave tonight. I mentioned that I thought it would be cool if he'd meet me halfway for dinner on Saturday since I only work until 4 and he goes, "What if I have things to do Saturday" and in that freaky way I knew ... "What, you got some chic to spank Saturday night?" "Well, it's kind of a possibility." And, I just burst into tears. He told me he didn't think it bothered me that much until lately and I said that what difference does it make if it bothers me, I don't have a choice but to deal with it, right? I'm just so frustrated about it because sometimes it really DOESN'T bother me ... but I'm stressing so much lately and I guess I feel like he's trying to get as much in as he can because, what? He'll have to stop when I'm there? I get kind of hurt thinking that he could be looking at my move in a negative way like that. He tells me that's not it, though. I mean, yeah, he's going to cut down on meeting other people (except for what we do as a couple which I am SO open to and want to do SO badly!), but he says he's looking forward to being able to have me whenever he wants me. I think I'm just freaking out, unneccessarily.

I told him tonight that the thought occurs to me that if I met other people it might be easier for me. And there's a part of me that might enjoy doing that. Well, I would at least want to look for a woman to be topped by. I don't know if I have it in me to look for another guy. On one of the Yahoo lists there was a girl who wrote about having a husband who is a Dom and then she also has a Daddy. She gets different needs met from the two men and the Daddy thing is purely non-sexual. Dave can't do "Daddy" and for better or worse it has become a part of my psyche (though how in hell I let that happen I still don't know). So, maybe eventually that will be something I look at. But, it's occuring to me that I have an opportunity now that I haven't had in so long. Since I won't be living with my mom I have the chance to explore my kink more, to meet other people and do things that I haven't been able to do in the last two years. Mind you, I flew to CA last year for spanking and in the last 9 months I've had Dave, but since he and I got together I couldn't even use the "going on a date" excuse to meet other spankos. And before I lived with my mom there was Andrew -- and I basically stopped looking when I met him. And now I know so much more about myself and my desires, needs, etc. So, now I have a boyfriend who is okay with my meeting other people and I'll have the autonomy to be able to do that, while also having the safety of knowing I can call him if I get into a dangerous situation. I actually feel like I wouldn't be spanked by a guy who isn't willing to meet me AND my boyfriend for dinner FIRST. That might seem weird, but to me it would feel more safe.

But, for the first couple of weeks, I think David and I will probably just enjoy each other and relish the experience of living with your partner, and all that entails. And it will be a chance for me to really get my behavior under control in those areas where I've asked for help. I told him I really want him to be strict about those things. As stressed as I am right now, I find the idea of him running a tight ship very comforting, even if it causes me some pain until I get used to it. :)

Problems with Sharing

Okay, here's the deal. I don't like sharing my boyfriend. I know that's all possessive of me and stuff, but I can't help it. I feel insanely threatened by the idea of Dave spanking someone else. And by insanely I mean a) a whole lot and b) in a completely irrational way. In my heart of hearts I know that he wouldn't cheat on me, and I really DO understand all of the reasons he's given for wanting and needing to do this. But, honestly, I can't stand it.

This week he had a business trip in Atlanta. Now, the thing about my Dave is that he really doesn't yet comprehend how much I listen to him and how much I remember what he's told me. So, he's always really surprised when I remember something that he forgot he even told me. Anyway, he tells me about the trip and I have the passing thought that he used to play with some woman who now lives there. But, he never mentioned plans to see her and I even pointedly asked him, in a teasing way, if he was going to spank anyone while he was there. He said no. We talked before he left on Sunday, and we talked when he got to ATL on Sunday. Then we spoke last night and he was telling me about his day and he goes, "We had three sessions" and I laughed and said, "Sessions, huh? Did you get to spank people there?" There was something in his laugh. Something in the sound of his voice that I believe I'm the only woman in the world who would hear it. And I KNEW. "You spanked someone?" Well yeah, he says, but not at the conference. HA HA HA.

Maybe it's the PMS. Maybe it's the stress of the move. Maybe it was something else. But I started to cry. I felt like I'd just been punched in the gut. It's not that I think he cheated. It's not that I don't believe him when he says she's just a friend and it was nothing 'sexual' ... It's just that it was planned and I wasn't told. And he says it was only planned since maybe Saturday -- a spur of the moment thing - and I believe that, too. But he had time to tell me. And he didn't.

We talked about it and he explained that he's unsure what he's supposed to tell me. And, to his credit, I've never really answered that question for him. I go back and forth on that issue. How much do I want to know? If he tells me about it then at least it doesn't feel like he's going behind my back. But, when he tells me about it I have so much trouble dealing with it. One of the problems I have with the whole thing is that I still feel like if I ever said it wasn't okay with me anymore he'd go, "Gee, that's too bad. I really liked you but ... See ya." That goes back to that whole he can't say he loves me thing. Without that assurance, I feel even more threatened, more uneasy about the idea of another girl bare-bottomed across his lap.

I'm the one moving in with him. I'm the one spending Thanksgiving with his mother and his family. I'm the one he talks to every day. I'm the one who will be in his bed every night, who feeds his dog, and cleans his toilet, and changes his sheets. I'm the one his friends all know, who goes to parties with him, who taught him about Harry Potter and who watches every single Steelers game -- whether we're together or not. I'm the one who is his lover, his best friend, his playmate; who receives his discipline, and his cuddling. I know I'm the one. I just don't want him to forget it.

Opening Day

Ta Da! I have a new blog. I normally don't say "blog" though because I rarely post links or report about what I've learned in my surfing. So, I tend to use the word "journal" but then when I mention it to anyone else they go, "Isn't a journal supposed to be private." Okay fine ... this is where I write shit, okay?

Now that we have that figured out. I have a livejournal and I really like it there -- that's probably where most of my writing will be done -- but I have vanilla friends who read there now so I can't write all I want about my relationship and my kink. I mean, I could, but I'd have to make it private, but I don't necessarily want the stuff I write to be private - I just don't want certain people seeing it.

For instance, the other day I heard that song by Evanescence, "All of Me." And I immediately wanted to write about the time that song came on when I was being punished. See, Dave always turns the radio in his bathroom on, because he spanks me in his bedroom, and he's paranoid that the neighbors will be able to hear it all through the walls (and across the yard ...). So, midway through the over-the-pillows strapping come the first sad strains of that haunting song. When I heard, "These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time can not erase." I began bawling. Dave, of course, thought I was crying from the spanking, and I guess that was part of it, but that song has reminded me of Andrew since the first time I heard it.

And suddenly I was that little girl again. The little girl who gave herself to him, who became *his,* all the time knowing he would hurt her. And it hurt. And why is that? Why does that memory still have the power to hurt me? I talk to Andrew frequently -- online, a few times on the phone in the last year or so -- and those conversations no longer hurt. I no longer wish things had turned out differently. So why is that a song can return me to that broken state of more than two years ago?

And that's the thing about me. I could probably drum up enough of the pain of my first boyfriend -- the abuse that I suffered at his hands, the embarrassment of being cheated on with my best friend, the fear I felt when he brought a gun to school and made sure I knew he wanted to kill me -- to be able to bawl RIGHT NOW if I wanted to. There's not a single part of me that still mourns that relationship, but I can tap into that pain, call it up from my past, and cry for the Angie that I used to be. Is that a good thing, really? I can also sum up heart-wrenching sobs for dead cats on the side of the road, sad commercials, almost EVERY episode of Oprah. I can't decide if that's a flaw or a strength in my character.

That will conclude the opening day post.